A Full Blown Binge
Where do these things come from? Emotions that I don’t want to deal with – it’s shopping and eating with me…they become my salvation.
Why can’t I just cry, vent, scream and get it over with…why play these games?
I looked at everything this week to see what it was…this? that? Truly what is at the base of it..if I guess wrong and don’t find that true culprit — well, it just keeps going.
I think I’m finally pinpointing it now…after chocolate, chips, chicken, you name it this morning….why do I do this to myself – sabotage the work I’m putting in….
Control – just when you think you have it- it bites you in the ass and says, yeah right.
I’ve got a bunch of running shirts I’ve picked up and I’ve been thrilled to be buying smaller sizes….but still, even though they fit, it doesn’t mean they look good on…
So – here’s the truth.
I put on my running skirt, a running shirt – look in the mirror (big mistake) – and go, that doesn’t look good on…put on one of your others….big mistake, keep trying shirt after shirt going – sure they fit, but wow, they really don’t flatter…what’s to flatter when you weigh this much.
What happened to my proud moment just weeks ago, finishing a half marathon? Why isn’t that enough?
Why am I in my own home – nobody to impress, toying with my head like this. Why do I insist on focusing on my size, rather than my ability….who cares if I don’t look good running – I’m getting healthy…
The problem is, I do care. I do care what i look like in the mirror…don’t we all to some extent?
I’ve spent the better portion of 2 days looking for a plus size running shirt that I think will be some magical piece of cloth and make my body smaller…appear smaller anyway…I know better. It’s not a cure, so I’ve stopped myself from making purchases before it was too late….and still I waste my time looking…oh look, this one – made for people my size, they only want over $60 for it…here’s a cheap on, go to ebay, check out this one here – different color, different style…it doesn’t matter, it’s just a game I’m playing with myself to cover my feelings.
Even after all of this, i hate to see myself this size in the mirror. I’m working on it, and i”m making progress, but still the progress is slow….
…slow is good, I know that. I’m healing bit by bit, and I’m getting healthier. Heck, I couldn’t run before and I’m running now…in fact I went the distance, and I’m working on doing it again in a few weeks…and still it’s not enough.
Will it ever be enough? Will I find my salvation in a smaller size? I know better than to realize that there’s no magic number. I am just tired of being bigger than everybody else.
I like myself, I do…I just like myself better when there aren’t mirrors around.
Binge over, pity party over…it’s a new moment in time, wipe the slate clean, step out of the fog and move forward.
Conversation with myself:
I hate my body.
Then change it…
I’m trying, but it takes so long.
Get over it.
Don’t undo everything you’ve worked so hard for.
I hate my body.
It’s going to get better, a little bit at a time. It won’t happen fast, but it will happen.
I want it to go faster.
Oh well. It doesn’t.
Time to do the work again…
I know. I just want to cry a little bit first.
Go ahead…cry. When you’re done, you’re body won’t be smaller…you need to do the work.
