Surviving NJ

Archive for the ‘Finding Myself’ Category

Enough said! I did it!!!!! My Disney Princess Half Marathon report is here full of details (warning, it’s long).

Some of my favorite running phrases are ones that have to do with speed….since I have a lack of speed!

“Some girls chase boys, I pass them!” —- ha, not so much. I’m slow.

“Slow is the new fast.” — only because I can’t be fast.

“Thanks to me you have someone to pass!” — a truer statement will never be spoken.

“I run like a girl, try to keep up.” — yeah, I can’t wear this one either.

** by the way, these great sayings can be found at OneMoreMileRunning.com, along with a bunch of others.

Who knew when I took up running I’d actually stick with it. Go figure — how did that happen? I had a lot of excuses to bow out…and somehow I didn’t. I’m not used to that, and I’m left scratching my head. I fell down some stairs (and YES! I’m STILL having tailbone issues, but I run anyway)…I had 3 colds, a stomach flu – and I keep going. I’m not really sure who I’ve become – other than – a runner. Hmmmm, not sure why or how – but I’m still moving.

I’m heading down to participate in my first 1/2 marathon soon and I have to say – I am not sure what I’m more excited about. Reaching for my goal, or the fact that I haven’t given up yet. It’s a neat place to be in and one I’m not used to seeing. I like this new me….the one who doesn’t give up.

By the way, my race is in Disney. Glad I won’t be running THIS race…it had to be about the worst run race I’ve ever read about!

Anyway, I’ll see you on the flip side and let you know how it goes. All things willing, I’ll have access and be able to toss a post up somewhere along the way. See you on the flip-side!

There- I said it….somebody had to! Okay, maybe evil is the wrong word, but dear goodness – does it make an impact on my body.

I’m very careful with what I eat and put into my body these days. I have to be. I’ve been on a pretty strict program – both with food and on a training schedule for running. The thing is – when I started to do some bigger runs 8 miles, 10 miles – I got hungrier!

I added in some extra calories (okay), and last night had some white bread (not okay). Generally, when it comes to bread I go with multi-grain – I have a nice loaf of 12 grain, multi-grain waiting on me. Sadly, my brain went – ooh, there’s a fresh kaiser roll on the counter and maybe I’ll have that…..

Yeah, it was good. It tasted great….this morning my face is all puffy, I could barely drag myself out of bed – and once again (it’s not the first time it’s happened) I remind myself white bread is evil to my body. Why don’t I learn these lessons? Why do I always go back to the doughey lure of goodness?

One day I shall learn my lesson. Last night wasn’t it. My face looks like a marshmallow this morning – all puffed up…and I’m so tired…as someone who has to watch certain starchy carbs and stuff – you’d think I’d have this automatic message in my head that says, “Warning, this will make you feel like crap”…All right, fine – I do. I just chose to ignore it. Bad choice!

I’m down 34 pounds at this point, and am on course to keep going. I’ve really been surprised at how well I’ve been doing when it comes to following my plan. I’m satisfied with my choices in food, as well as being able to make it work around my lifestyle.

As for exercise, I’m still running. I put in a 4 mile run last night, and have a 7 miler tomorrow. That’s a long run – but if I’m going to keep going, I need to push myself like this. I’ve signed up for multiple 1/2 marathons at this point, and am looking at training for a full marathon come January.

Endurance running is an interesting thing — and I’m finding a big part of it is a mental game you play with yourself. You feel like you’ve done enough, but you need to keep going. I’m happy I’m still pushing, because by now I’ve usually quit the process.

It’s nice to say I’m proud of myself, and I can honestly say that I am proud of the time and effort I’m putting in this process. It’s a nice feeling.

We do it to ourselves you know…build up or shoot down our confidence levels…it’s all some twisted game our brain plays with us. We can have one tiny glance in a mirror or a comment we hear take us down a notch or two….and yet build ourselves up if we like how we’re feeling at the moment.

Let’s look at some rational here, and why I consider the mind as a weapon…one that is used against you.

- ever had a fat day? yeah…feeling icky, bloated, funky — but in reality, you weigh exactly the same as you did the day before. MIND GAMES we play with ourselves.

- ever love your outfit, get ready to go out, feeling all happy, then catch an odd angle in a window or mirror – and suddenly feel deflated? MIND GAMES we play with ourselves

- ever feeling lifted because someone says something complimentary to us? Almost like that reality didn’t exist until we heard it from another? MIND GAMES we play with ourselves

- ever feeling pumped up until someone said something less than flattering — there go the winds out of your sails… defeated. MIND GAMES we play with ourselves.

We are what we THINK we are.

This Jersey girl is proud to say I’ve now lost 23 pounds. I noticed something yesterday that felt like a small victory. I have a running skirt I bought a few weeks ago (online) and it didn’t quite fit yet. I knew I was going to be right on the border, but knew I’d want the skirt when I could lose more weight. I got a great deal on it, so I grabbed it a few weeks before I’d fit in it…

As of last night, I fit in it! I’m not saying I look great, but it fit! WOOHOO…that felt like such an achievement. When I first got it 3 weeks ago, I wanted to see how far I had to go. I honestly thought it would take much longer, but apparently not. It slid right up over my hips, and was awesome.

A running skirt is a skirt over compression shorts, so you don’t see any ride-ups. They were recommended to me, so I thought I’d give them a try. I also have two from C9 at Target, but each is cut a little differently. One from C9 I love, the other – not so much. This RunningSkirt.com skirt is awesome though, and there’s much less ride up of the shorts between your thighs. I think this will end up being my brand of choice.

As I’m continuing my weight journey, I can’t buy too many, because my size will hopefully continue to change. I think I can wear this one for a good 20 pounds though…so maybe a few weeks before my first 1/2 marathon I’ll treat myself to a new size (hoping I keep losing here, obviously!) and a new color!

So, this running thing….yeah.

I’ve gone and signed up and now the work goes in. Here’s the thing. I’ve never run a 1/2 marathon before, or well…a marathon, a 5k or a 10k. I picked something to motivate me, and it does…

Anyway, something clicked this week. Nobody can run it for me. And I can’t run it if I don’t put the training in.

By the way, I’m down 17 pounds now!

The other day – I was having one of those — I don’t feel like getting on the treadmill moments, and I reminded myself…Self, nobody is running for you. You have to do the work to get the payoff.

And so I got on the treadmill and put the miles in. It was an interesting awakening.

When the excitement of signing up for a big event wears off, you have the work to do – to get there. I’m doing that work…week after week, after week.

I’m onto week 5 of my C25K, and when I return from Disney – I’ll be jumping into another 14 week training schedule. It’s up where I can see my training each week, and it’s a lot. I’m okay with that, because I’m just going to take it one day at a time.

If I think about an 8 mile, 10 mile or 13 mile run right now, it makes me nervous, so for now – I’m doing my gradual climb and going to take it one workout at a time. I know that with steady work and determination – I’ll get where I’m going.

The thing is…I have to do the work alone. Nobody to push me…nobody to make me – nobody running by my side. I have to be the one who puts my shoes on when I don’t want to, and I have to keep going. I will keep going, because I want this.

Each step, each mile, each piece of this journey will get me to the goal. It’s a mental battle as much as a physical one…and I’m ready to fight for myself!

I’ve dropped 13 pounds so far, and I’m feeling great. I’d say the biggest change I’ve found is my enjoyment of veggies- something that didn’t excite me in the past.

Each day I’m consuming 5 shakes (high in vitamins and nutrients) and either a salad with protein, or a veggie stir fry with protein. When I’ve lost some more weight, I’ll add in a second meal of the day. I am doing a slow transition – since I have such a long way to go….but building in healthy habits now.

I’m doing well on my C25K and am working on week 3 this week. I’m doing it every other day, rather than just the 3 days of a week. This way I can then keep moving onto my next training – and progress, and I’m still only working every other day so I’m not doing too much too fast. In this way, I’ll finish the C25K in about 54 days, as opposed to about 63 days.

My tastes are changing which is exciting to me, and my latest, greatest attitude shift???

I’m going to celebrate what my body and mind CAN do, as opposed to what it can’t. I’m also going to push myself a little harder and challenge myself – which is important for growth.

(I’ve taken this from another one of my journals, so I don’t have to type out these thoughts and feelings again….)

How far can I go? That’s the question I’m asking myself….

I’ve decided to sign up for the Princess 1/2 after spending a lot of time thinking about it this weekend.

Is it too much? Am I crazy? Is it silly for me to even contemplate it?

Here’s what’s been going on in my head….

I mentioned it to my husband – maybe Thursday night? He goes – ya thinK?

HEY! Why can’t I have big goals and dreams?

He goes – why don’t you start with a 5k or something…

Hmmm, could – but WHAT IF I COULD GO FARTHER THAN THAT? Don’t I want to know how far I can go?

If I work hard, and train myself….what if i could go 6 miles, or even 10 miles, and imagine if i make it the full 13 – what an incredible feeling. I don’t want to be capped at 3+ miles.

I had to ask myself some serious questions – and it came down to this….

Would it be hard for me to go and not finish? Actually – no it wouldn’t. I would be proud for putting forth the effort to train and try. That’s where the courage starts…

if i’m swept – i’m swept and I can know i tried. No shame in that….

…and if i’m not swept- WOW, ya know?

—-

So here’s my answer – I’m going to sign up — and do the best I can – and maybe even a little more. If I finish, awesome…if I don’t…i know that the place that I stopped– that’s the place to beat the following year.

It’s a great way to keep motivated, keep moving, and it’s tied into something I love – Disney.

*** I did the official sign-up/registration the day after this was written.

Side note: just ordered Marathoning for Mortals, and in the midst of doing c25k, and as mentioned above – i’m always hopeful – so this optimistic chickie is happy to work towards a goal with a smile.

There’s this saying that I’ve always loved….only this time, it stung.

People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime….

Some people come into your life for a SEASON, because your turn has come to share, grow or learn. They bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh. They may teach you something you have never done. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it, is real. But only for a season.!

I have trust issues, and I’ve pushed away so many friends, I’m left standing as a seasonal friend. I was forced to look at myself this summer when my son posed a question to me about friendship.

I had to be honest with myself and realize just how many people I had pushed away. It’s not you – it’s me. Trust me…it’s me.

I’ve had people I’ve been very close to on more than one occasion – that I’ve walked away from. Nobody pushed me out, I chose to walk away….leaving friends scratching their heads. It didn’t make sense – nothing happened to cause it, but away I went. I was safe for a moment…nobody could get too close, phew!

Let me explain a bit — I’ve been burned a lot in the past. Most of it happened when I was a young adult, and those patterns left scars. My trigger response has come to be that the moment I realize people have the ability to hurt my feelings, or affect me in a certain way – I panic and I run. I don’t like to let people in too close, because then I’m attached and they have the ability to hurt me.

I’d rather turn away before you can hurt me. I just assume you will at some point, even though it’s not your intention. I need to heal this inside of myself.

I’m sorry to friends from my past I’ve walked away from without better explanations. It’s an old wound I need to work on healing….It’s a pattern, one I’ve repeated too many times.

My son’s simple question about friendship really made me stop and look at what I’ve done. I’m so good at isolating myself, I’m going to end up alone if I’m not careful.

I walk away….and then I regret it. I’m too proud or foolish to try to heal the situation – I move forward and find comfort in my new seasonal friends.

I hate this about myself. I need to work on it….I’m putting a spotlight on it, so I’m forced to relook at this issue in my life.